Here I am cruising along in my lovely Contour, minding my own business... Out of nowhere comes RICE BOY!! Ya know, scrawny wanna-be high school kid, rich mommy and daddy , trying to rip ass past ya in his bone stock Civic DX with the 8" mongo tip exhaust. Just to make all of us afraid of his 98 horsepower weakling, he's dolled his little Jap Crap toy up with 8,000 stickers in some foreign looking scribble language. OOOOOHHH I'm SCARED!! Whatever. What's that you say? You wanna be a Rice Boy as well? Let's do a more complete look at the car and driver from front to back and see what it takes to be a Rice Boy!

1). Foglights: The more the better! The cheaper and more poorly aimed, the better as well. Just festoon them anywhere on the front end and let 'em blaze, regardless of whether it's day or night...

2). Front headlight/corner lenses... These are upgrades that are supposed to be worth 20-50 Horsepower at the wheel... Of course, there's always the obligatory painted blue halogen headlights. This is to impress us commoners into believing that the owner of said Civic spent 3-4 grand to install a set of the arc-discharge lights that come stock on REAL CARS! Besides being illegal, these morons fail to realize that blue is the LEAST visible color of the spectrum, but then again, that would mean these guys would have to be able to read...

3). Rims/Tires: The more chrome and lower the sidewall the better off ya are. If you can cram 25 inch wheels in the wells, go for it, regardless of ride quality and tire rubbing... They are only secondary concerns anyway... Choose a nice "high" quality rim too! Like Prime... Ya know, 50 lbs without a tire mounted and made of stamped steel, yeah, that's quality...

4). Lowering Springs: Take a nice set of Eibach, Intrax, or Sprint Springs and cut 10 or 11 of the 14 coils out then install 'em.... If you can insert a playing card between your rice toy and the ground, it's not low enough. Don't worry about driveability or handling, they are secondary, as we've already covered....

5). Interior: First and most important, refinance your parents house and buy 30 or so gauges. Must have at least an 8" tachometer with a shift light 4 times brighter than the sun. Manual transmission is completely optional. Festoon the gauges EVERYWHERE!

Don't even hook 'em up, they're just there for looks anyway... Make sure you obscure the drivers vision wherever possible as well. Next important item is a Euro-style air freshener that'll make your cloth interior (as if leather were even an option on your TOY!) reek like last year's gay leather festival. Aluminum race pedals will also gain ya 20 or 30 HP to the wheel, especially ones anodized in purple or some other hideous color.

6). Engine: No modifications needed.

7). Exhaust: Leave completely stock, add minimum of 6" chrome exhaust tip (8 inch preferred) to make up for other personal deficiencies, if ya follow.

8). Exterior: As mentioned before, several hundred yards worth of bad vinyl stickers in some foreign scribble to intimidate passersby.... Again, content is not important here, just generally scribble. Also, add 10-12 stickers from companies who produce parts that you don't have on the car. You know the style, put a big ol' NOS, HKS, Greddy, Turbonetics, Borla, JG Engine Dynamics, Crane, Vortech, and Quadrajet sticker on your bone stock rice toy, as this is usually worth about 10 horsepower per sticker... Then create a fake car club sticker and plop it along the top of your windshield. Optional windshield sticker is "SUPER TOURING" as Honda uses so many Civics for this purpose....

9). Driver: 5'6", 105 lbs or so wearing size 50 rap-guy type jeans and sporting a yo-yo. Add Tommy Hilfiger shirt, some futuristic looking sunglasses that are ALWAYS on, regardless of day or night. MUST talk in Ebonics and hug everybody... Fake cel. phone, mandatory, as is pager in leopard skin case. Friend must carry camcorder. Battery and blank tape are optional, remember, looks, not reality! Need to have quick access to Game Boy in funky color as well, game optional.

10). Demeanor: Talk as much shit as you can and NEVER race anybody, as you KNOW you'll loose and so do we!!!!